Surviving L.A. - Takes Speed

And there is no speed to be had in Los Angeles, where traffic is clogged 24/7.

So you have to go to Long Beach. Where 35 years ago someone decided that they could charge admission for people to watch racers speed nearly 200 mph down a road on which the rest of us are lucky to hit the 45 mph speed limit. Not nearly fun enough, you say? "Okay, let's stick a 90-degree angle turn at the end of the straight away. Then, for good measure, we'll put a hair-pin turn after that. People will pay big to see that!"

Pic: Being this close to the track is L-O-U-D.

And they do, making the Grand Prix of Long Beach the biggest sporting event in California. (Mostly because it's 6 races over 4 event days complete with heavy metal concerts, motorcycle jumping events, alcohol sponsors and funnel cake.) So now, Surviving Long Beach takes earplugs.

Pic: This is a shot of the back of the 'Seaside Suites'.

Pic: Cars preping for the race.

But what about the safety of those willing to shell out the big bucks? Oh, a stack of tires and some fencing ought to do it, right? Check out the pictures below. No, I do not own a camera with a telephoto lens.

So that is where Richard and I sat this weekend, getting a neck workout watching the cars downshift from the left and careen around the turn to our right, where Richard kept rooting for someone to end up in the opposite wall.

Scenes from Turn 9:

Pic: This guy tried, he ended up the wrong way after turn 9.

Pic: Turn 9 was too much for some, and there was a hidden crew waiting to try to help get cars back on the track.

Pic: This guy needed more than a little help.

While the major race is held on Sunday, the 'fun' is Saturday, a day clearly designed by the beer-guzzling, perpetual frat boy nephew of the races organizers.

The Drifting Competition - in which the goal is the loudest tire screetch and the most tire smoke during your lap.....because THAT is indicative of good driving. One inhale of tire smoke and we headed for the funnel cakes.

Pic: Shot of a drifting competition car....which at this point, was trying to drive backwards. Can't be easy for a race car driver.

The Tequlia Petron American Le Mans Series Race - who doesn't mix tequlia with speed? Tequila is what they must have been drinking when they came up with this idea: squish three races into one. They have 3 different races between 3 different classes of cars simultaneously running on the same track. I wish someone had told me that before the race so it didn't become a Laurel and Hardy skit for me to ask "Who's winning?"

-Who's winning what?

-The race.

-Which race?

-The race right here. (points at current car going by)

-Oh that race? That Acura is.

-But he's behind that Porsche.

-Yes.

-So he's losing.

-No, the Porsche is winning.

-But you said the Acura was winning.

-The Acura is winning.....

And what was in our opinion the highlight of the day:

The Celebrity Race - I really would have loved to be in the room when brother T-Bone from Tappa Kegga Bru busted out this idea:

T-bone: "I got it, let's give a bunch of celebrities some cars, tell them that they are not liable for any of the damage, and turn them loose on the track to race. It'll be like the Grand Prix at Disneyland for adults."

Race Organizer: "But that will just become bumper cars, no one will take it seriously."

T-bone: "Only, then a minute after they start, we'll send some professional drivers after them. Kinda like cat and mouse, huh-huh."

Pic: The 'pro' drivers released after the celebrity drivers have taken their pace lap, waving to the crowd.

And the race organizers rejoiced, and invited celebrities to come fulfill their childhood dreams of being Indy Car racers, and invited professional car racers to experience the frustration of a lifetime - navigating their way from the back to front of a pack of unskilled, over-insured drivers in cars they did not own.

The field of Paul-Newman-Cross-Over-Wanabe's included Tim Daly (Private Practice, Wings), Keanu Reeves (Speed, Matrix), Alex Trabek (Host of Jeopardy), Raven-Symone (Jump the shark kid on Cosby and Disney Channel star), Danny Way (skateboarder), Carlos Mencia (comedian), Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe from '24'), and Eric Close (Without a Trace).

And playing the roles of the frustrated pro drivers were Jamie Little, Al Unser, Jr., Johnny Benson and Coy Gibbs.

Upholding the sterotype of the terrible female driver was Raven, who 3 times crashed her car, twice with no help from anyone at all.

Upholding the sterotype of the slow old driver - who was Alex Trebek? - who, even when all the other cars filed into a close-knit line during one of the caution laps, lagged seriously behind, blinker ticking and never shutting off.

The victory lap was shared by Al Unser, Jr. and Keanu Reeves, who owes Raven a role in his next movie since she took out Danny Way - who had led most of the race.

Pic: Richard and AJ on the track through Pit Row

Pic: Pit Row

I would like to add to this post that those of you who told us the weather was always gorgeous in SoCal must have never lived here....or got our before global warming got really bad. It was 95 degrees in L.A. this weekend, and hotter on the track where we got to stand for a brief period of time. Part of our day included a pit tour, which (given that the group was mostly men) involved a lot of standing and leering at Danica Patrick's pit area.

Pic: Danica Patrick's computer set-up in the pit

Pic: Danica herself.

Heat aside, we are surviving L.A. - Slowly. One of the hardest things to do is watch a Grand Prix race, then sit in traffic the whole....way....home.

Surviving L.A. - Takes Cheese Curds

We're trying to survive L.A., but there are times when we just need the comforts of home. For Richard, that means cheese curds. (Deep fried, of course.)



On my first trip to the mid-west I was given the opportunity to try a food product that Richard thinks is sent from Heaven itself...a gift of the saints. Cheese Balls. (Get your own - my very benevolent husband does not share his cheese balls [Alex, insert joke here]).



Cheese curds are virgin cheese. Unaged. Before the cheese advances and gets hard, it is formed into tasty bites that are evaluated on their squeakiness. These tender young morsels are then breaded and deep fried. Think mozzerella cheese sticks with fresh cheddar.



And L.A. thought it had the market on cool food.



The midwest apparently tried for years to keep a cap on its best kept secret. Richard ate cheese balls en masse when he was home in Iowa because they were no where to be found in DC. In fact, few things made Richard so happy as the time his family came for a visit toteing a cooler of frozen deep fried cheese curds...which are so plentiful in the midwest you can buy them in the grocery store....but not get them anywhere on the East Coast.

When I was still wooing Richard I tried to make cheese balls. I'm a pretty good cook, but this went into the category of complete and utter failure. Even Richard, who is always honest (please don't make this again) and sometimes tender in his criticisms could not hold back. "These don't just look bad, they are inedible."

Apparently I would fail as a midwest chef.


So it was grand excitment recently at 8 oz. when Richard raised his hands to cease all conversation so he could point to the waitress at the next table and demand "what are those? I need a menu now."



Wisconsin cheese curds. On the menu. It's very possible that was the reason we went to 8 oz. 3 Saturdays in a row.



I thought this was a grand find. A place to satiate the palate of my dear husband. An occasional stop between trips to Iowa to tide him over. Satisfaction delivered from a deep fat fryer. Little did I know....



Just as the smog in L.A. permeates your brain, so did the scent of cheese curds infect Richard's nostrils....not to abate. So much has this obsession grown (is he just crying out for the culinary delights of home?) that tonight in my in-box I have no less than 6 emails from him on the very topic....ranging from places to get them to recipes for me to try to make for him. (Isn't he sweet, thinking of me like that.....)



So Richard may just survive L.A. yet - due to this newest discovery. (And me, well, I'll survive wherever Richard is. [Alex, insert gag sound here] As long as I can make deep fried cheese curds.)