Surviving L.A. - Takes Supertitles

Foreign movies have subtitles, operas have Supertitles. Rather than scrolling along the bottom of a movie screen, supertitles are displayed at the top of a stage, so that those of us not fluent in the traditional opera languages of German, French, Russian and - in the case of L.A. Opera's opening show for 2009-2010 - Italian, can follow along.

Richard and I had the unique opportunity to attend the L.A. Opera's Season Opening Gala Saturday and enjoy The Elixir of Love, L'Elisir D'Amore. Those intimate with Richard and me know we are far more likely to spend Saturday's at college football games than operas - but remember that our motto for our time on the West Coast is "New and Different." And WOW did this qualify. (Besides, UCLA had already beat Tennessee.)

Richard donned a tuxedo and even tried a mushroom cannoli at the Opera Gala....we really are expanding our horizons beyond our previous boundries. (Yes, he now OWNS a tuxedo...can ballroom dancing lessons be far behind?)

From a novelty perspective, our experience was fabulous. We had an extremely enjoyable evening and while I don't think we'll be buying season tickets to the opera, I will share with you what I learned as a first-time opera-goer.

1. L'Elisir D'Amore, The Elixir of Love, is apparently a great production for your first one. "It's a comedy and it's short" (a mere 2:45 with intermission!) was an oft-repeated phrase from those in the know.

2. If you are a single guy interested in an older woman....get a ticket to this event! There were packs of seemingly affulent cougars roaming the halls. One women from a not-to-be-divulged-brand-name-family had seemingly pulled out every piece of Dolce & Gabbana jewelry she owned to showcase at once. No matter that it didn't match. And nothing says "I'm hot" more than a designer dress cut to show off the pacemaker surgery scar.

3. Speaking of outfits.....even if opera is not your idea of a fun Saturday night....you might go by just to see the patrons show up for the pre-gala cocktail party. I think some people thought this was a costume ball. (And I thought the Miami Vice-style-white-pants-color-jacket-combo tux had ended with my prom...apparently I was wrong.) Fortunately for tourists, the gala puts these outfits on display with a long red carpet walk into an outdoor cocktail party with only stantions between us and the cameras off the local tour bus. (For the record, Richard looked amazing walking the carpet in his tuxedo.)

4. Oh...you're wondering about the show itself? L.A. is NEVER about the main event when a red carpet is involved! The entire storyline is printed in the program (or found online) which is to aid in your understanding. It does, however, also spoil the ending and erase the opportunity for rousing speculative discussion during the intermission....will our hero get the girl? Will the heroine find her heart? Who dies at the end? How much longer is this...are we really staying for the whole thing? (Oh...just kidding...)

5. Spoiler Alert.....the "Elixir of Love" is a cheap bordeaux. (I could have told you that!)

6. However good a short comedy might be, you must remember that an opera is intended to be a showcase for amazing voices, not necessarily a showcase of acting talent or intricate plot lines. If you want 2 hours and 45 minuts of intellectual comedy, go rent Gross Pointe Blanke and watch and episode of The Daily Show.

7. If you decide to go to an opera, educate yourself as to quality of voice so to enhance your experience - and look like you have experience. I clearly lack the understand/appreciation of tenors/sopranos/falsettos to know when I was hearing something that should wow me. This became grossly apparent when a character would stop singing and the theater would explode in wild applause all around me, and I would be caught looking like I had just woken up. I wish I had a DVR and could rewind to hear what I had inadvertantly missed. But for the novice - when everyone else applauds...you'd best go along...lest you stick out!

8. They serve alcohol before the opera....during intermission...and after the show. I'm not saying you need a drink to enjoy opera...but you feel free to draw your own inference.

9. The supertitles are displayed at the top of the stage. They are NOT intended to be a full, literal translation. They reminded me of a Kung Fu movie dubbed into English. The words would say "she loves me" and the guy would sing for 2 minutes. But maybe that's a lot of words in Italian, what do I know?

10. The bows for the cast after a performance last almost as long as the second act. Seriously. And the ovations rival Catholic Mass aerobics.

11. Placido Domingo is an amazing singer.....and a long talker. When he got up to speak at the post-performance gala, a woman at our table informed us we should sit back and relax....he goes on and on and on and on.....bring your iPod.

So, we continue to survive L.A. - tuxedos and all. Even though Placido is still at the podium talking....

Surviving L.A. - Takes Cardboard (for your wine, of course!)

Living in California can quickly make you a wine snob. The close proximity of an abundance of fabulous wineries can quickly flood your wine cellar and make you wonder how ANYONE could possibly still drink cheap White Zinfandel when tantalizing blends of sweet champagne can be had for $8?

The upside of membership in 4 wine clubs is that we have stopped hoarding every good bottle for a special occasion. The downside is my new attitude that I'm too good for Two Buck Chuck.

Next thing you know Richard is running off to buy a tuxedo for opera galas....and we needed to be reined in.

Fortunately, our good friends Bob and Leslie can help us maintain proper perspective by inviting us to Chateauneuf de Cardboard for a Boxed Wine Tasting and reminding us that good things come in packages of all sizes, shapes, and materials - like specially designed cardboard boxes keeping 'open' wine good for....well....we have yet to find out.

I know boxed wine usually gets the side-eye for the party guest who shows with the white Franzia box that looks like it was snatched from a sorority house kitchen. But today's sophisticated palates may find a taste they really enjoy coming out of a cube...including:

(To be read with a French accent) Target Merlot and Target Pinot Grigio - very affordable, drinkable, every day wine to keep in the fridge.

Pinot Evil - which also comes in a bottle, but a box is great for when the evening calls for one glass. (We don't know when that is...but...just in case it ever happens.)

French Rabbit Chardonnay (our contribution) - an extremely light, French white best served cold enough to need your own faux fur.

Bota Box Old Vine Zinfandel - Richard's Favorite of the evening

Bota Box Shiraz - Bota Box apparently makes several great boxed varities that stays fresh after the box is opened 45 days. And just WHO would take 45 days to finish a box of wine? We don't know these people.

Killer Juice Sauvignon Blanc - hints of citrus and summer with no cardboard aftertaste!

White Wine for Chilling (in the family of Red Wine for Grilling) - When soliciting recommendations for our purchase I was told that White Wine for Chilling paired very well with a Camelbak. The bladders could be easily changed out and made for a great accompaniment on a hike.

So we continue to survive L.A. - even sans cork. Enjoy your favorite box tonight!

Surviving L.A. - Takes a tuxedo

If you were called - from Hollywood - to save the world, could you step up? Play the part? Dress the part? This week, my husband the clothes horse was about to find out.

I worried what covert international crisis might be afoot when I saw the cryptic message: "We have a problem." "What's the problem?" I typed timidly, fearing Ernst Stavo Blofeld had kidnapped Placido Domingo and threaten modern arias as we knew them. The ominous words that make women everywhere rejoice appeared on the screen. "Black tie."

Since Richard made the grave mistake of marrying me, I have been telling him he should just buy a tuxedo. I thought a wedding was a good reason for an investment, and he a few opportunities to step out in style in the last few years. I think men who own tuxedos are incredibly sexy. Why that, in and of itself, did not bring about the purchase is a matter of on-going discussion..... but....

Apparently, my strategy should have been to move to L.A.

How could anyone in such a fashion-forward town not be prepared for every event? Neither of us needs suits for work (yeah, I'm rubbing it in, kinda...). We need bathing suits for the beach...wetsuits for surfing...fire-retardant suits for the wildfires....something for that last-minute invitation to a black-tie opera gala or call to stand in for a high-stakes poker game where the free world is in the ante.

We don't have an earthquake preparedness plan, but when the call from Q comes in, Richard will be ready. After following tips and gathering intel and negotiating a treaty with a disappearing ink pen, Rick Bond is now the proud owner of a striking suit ready for Beverly Hills Cocoktail Parties, Hollywood Premieres, Children's Birthday Parties and the Fat Lady Singing.

His reference to "the noose" no longer refers to his wedding ring.

But as all well-heeled heros have a fatal flaw, Richard has an evil side that comes out toward his leading ladies....

He won't wear the tux until I learn how to tie the bow-tie.

00Jerk.

I have 2 weeks to learn....or else my Elixir of Love will be a lonely night sans my knight in shiny lapels and french cuffs.

For those wondering what finally convinced my nominee for best-dressed-in-the-comedy-we-call-Surviving-L.A. to don the strait jacket, the clues are encrypted here....or you can catch the ending when it comes out on DVD (see Surviving L.A. in 2 weeks).

For now we continue to Survive L.A. - just with a lot more style!

Surviving L.A. - Takes Bacon

Those who purport that L.A. has perfect weather in the 70s year round are big fat liars. We are currently living under heat advisories of up to 106-degrees. So what? they say. Enjoy the heat and have some crispy bacon.

Bacon. The heavenly mix of savory maple meat has been for more than breakfast for many years now, it’s true, when it first migrated off the breakfast plate onto burgers, pizzas and baked potatoes. Long ago did foodies proclaim the glory that is bacon-wrapped food: filets, shrimp, scallops, figs, melon. (Melon…who was the first one to think of that?)

This is L.A., my friends, and if you have not learned by now, you never will – L.A. is hell bent on doing things differently under the guise of trend-setting. Sure, NY has street vendors with tasty hot dogs, our street vendors wrap theirs in bacon. Try passing up THAT smell without drooling. There is a public food fight going on right now with the city of Carson, where they are trying to ban these purveyors of bacony goodness and the public is not standing for it.

We even wrap bacon around saddle of rabbit. Okay, I don’t know what saddle of rabbit is, but you can apparently get it wrapped in bacon on Bastille Day at Comma Ca in Hollywood. Take that, you puny melon-ball makers!

Others will find meat-wrapped-meat too pedestrian. So an inventive foodie enjoying chocolate chip pancakes and a side of bacon one day decided to merge the two into a chocolate bar with bacon bits. (We tried this – to mixed reviews. Other than a gag Christmas Stocking Stuffer, I can’t say I’d buy it again. Though it did seem a better option than the chocolate bar with dried mushrooms that was on the counter next to it.)

If bacon as dessert appeals to you, then visit a Bakersfield-area ice cream shop that has bacon ice cream on the menu. (Would you like maple syrup to make that a sundae?) How else would you end your meal of bacon fried rice in Fresno?

Some purists are unhappy with the defamation of the beloved meat. Chefs at the upscale BLT Steak on Sunset Strip think the bacon stands alone, and offers 6 slabs of it (slices does NOT do the dish justice) as an appetizer, wrapped around nothing but a large price tag.

You may not believe the hype. Isn’t Los Angeles health-conscious? Sure, which is why the April 2009 L.A. Times edition showed us how to get that bacon satisfaction without the calories and fat. J&Ds Bacon Lip Balm. Brings a whole new definition to the term “kissable lips,” doesn’t it?
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/alltherage/2009/04/bacon-lip-gloss.html

Los Angelians even have precautions should the next earthquake break us off and set up adrift toward South America…..canned bacon. No earthquake preparedness kit is finished without it. Get yours here:
http://www.canned-bacon.com/

And bookmark the L.A Times article, 1,001 things to do with bacon so you, too, can enjoy the meaty goodness every day. (you must check out the picture…. http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/dailydish/2008/12/bacon.html...tempting!!!)

We continue to survive L.A, especially the Vega dog, who has found one west coast trend she is happy to sink her teeth into.

Takes fleas

No, not on the Vega Dog.



Flea markets.



I know what your first thought is....AJ....there are flea markets everywhere. True. But L.A. couldn't possibly do things without its own special flair.



True, your run of the mill yard sales occur here every weekend. But on one special Sunday a month, the yard sale puts on its L.A. best and heads for Pasadena to take over the Rose Bowl on a grand scale.



I can hear you now - 'we have flea markets here too!'



Oh yeah? How much do your fleas cost? Everything has a premium here. Ours even charges early bird admission for the real thrill seekers.



Does your sell $5000 Rolex watches?



Do people wear tuxedos to yours????



No? Then come to L.A. for the show.



Pay your $8 and you, too, can stroll miles of....uh....stuff. The website claims "Name the item and the Rose Bowl Flea Market is bound to have it." This is no understatement. You can buy all of someone else's unwanted treasure you want. Housewares, jewelry, vinyl records, old furniture, antiques, 'vintage clothing' you could wear to a costume party and 'vintage bikes' that might not get you down the block (banana seat, anyone?). Arts and crafts of every variety - candles, soap, jewelry, art - and creative inventions such as the football helmet dog beds, customizable to any team. And who has a marshmallow thrower on their Christmas list?



You can linger by the resellers of antiques such as Hummels and old Playboy Magazines, and brand new items such as the skin we picked up for my blackberry or any variety of socks you could possibly want.



Not impressed yet? What about the Rolex's, you ask? Yes, indeed, you can drop serious cash at this rummage sale on gorgeous, real watches. Rolex. Omega. Cartier. Vintage Mickey Mouse. Pocket watches and grandfather clocks.



Okay...high end watches...what else? Does your flea market have articles from movie sets? No? Well, come to Pasadena and you too can own the stools used by John Goodman in the live action Flintstones movie. Or perhaps one of Dracula's coffins. (To be pulled out as the guest room bed the next time an unwanted in-law drops in.) If you have ever wondered what happened to old stage sets, you might want to check out our little (you know....only 2,500 vendors) rummage sale where you, too, can buy furniture that looks like it walked off a Jetson's set or out of the Brady Bunch house. You could re-create an entire bowling alley from just one of the vendors (or have a lovely pair of bowling shoes for every family member at your next reunion).



Doesn't that sound like something people would wear tuxedos to shop for? Okay, maybe not the WHOLE tux...only the white coat. With tails. Over his white half shirt. And white cut off jean shorts. It's truly an upscale affair. Have a beer as you stroll among the treasures - who cares if it's 10 a.m.? You need something to wash down the kettle corn.



Now, don't worry if you didn't pack your tux...you can buy a vintage one at the market. Lace and all. What color would you like? How about sea foam green? It will blend right in with the entire bedroom set of the same color that is available. Not the right blue for your decor, you say? How about the set of four (still attached) royal blue theater seats....removed when cup holders became all the rage. Didn't you want those for your breakfast nook?



If you're not in the mood to buy (or not in the market for swords from the set of Kung Fu theater or the hand claw a la He-Man villian Skeletor), you'll still have entertainment value for the price of your admission. You can star watch. According to the website, big stars shop there. We didn't see any of famous people we could identify (they must have paid for the early bird special), but we did see people looking to be discovered. The people-watching rivals Venice Beach. In addition to Mr. Tux, there was a lady selling vintage clothes modeling some of her wares looking like Lucille Ball. Then there was the train guy riding a scooter, decked out like a train, complete with whistle and caboose. He stopped at any and all vendors offering trains and inspected their wares. And the guy who had a motorized cooler on wheels, complete with bar taps front and back, never far away from his favorite brew. And if the woman head to toe in a Solid Gold Dancer costume makes you nostalgic, you can pick up one of your grade school lunch boxes - Peanuts anyone? - or Rainbow Bright dolls. A Care Bear. Or Papa Smurf. Or Strawberry Shortcake (10 points if you can name the villian!). Or an Ewok Village set. Or the Star Wars Pez dispenser set.



So the next time you're in the market for...well, anything....take a look around and ask yourself..."wouldn't the dragon head coffee table look fantastic in my living room?"...and remember, it's what's helping us Survive L.A.

P.S. for those still racking their brains: The Purple Pieman

Surviving L.A. - Takes an African Savannah

Despite what the over-watering folks in Beverly Hills would try to have to you think when you look at their lush, green lawns, Southern California is, in fact, a desert. And much of it is brown, with lots of exposed dirt. The stars may want their large lawns and water features, but there are some on this earth who prefer it in the natural state.

Hippies.

Pic: These are NOT California natives

Pic: This is NOT our backyard.

Pic: Vega is NOT romping here.

Pics: Where in California are you?

And Hippos...and other desert-dwelling animals.

Sadly, because of what humans are doing to the planet, many animals are at risk of extinction. In the 1960s, a veterinarian looked at 18,000 acres in Escondido (north of San Diego, about 2 hours from Los Angeles) and determined that, while not all humans find Southern California to have the 'perfect' weather (some of us who like snow will remain nameless), there are many animals who needed a quiet place away from the devastation of humans to try to stage a comeback.

Pic: A small petting zoo with more than just goats!!!

Pic: Animal areas in the San Diego Wild Animal Park are very open.

I am generally not a big fan of zoos, I hate animals in small cages. But I admittedly give the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park a pass because of the overall work they do helping animal populations world wide. I also think many of their habitats are better for the animals than other zoos.

So Richard and I became members at the zoo and that allows us admission to both the zoo in San Diego and Wild Animal Park in Escondido. I was disappointed that there was not a bigger variety of animals in the Park (lots of different gazelles though!) but the place is very cool.

Pic: I am sorry I could not get a picture of the gorilla in the cave...HE was ENORMOUS! But this one was cute too.

Picture: Animals can coexist.

The park features one wide-open area that is Africa where they let many of the non-predator animals cohabitate - gazelles, deer, rhino, giraffes, wildebeests, warthogs, ostrich, antelope..... Much more like the actual lives the animals would lead in the wild, with one noteable exception....the zebra. These gorgeous creatures are apparently the ornary instigators of the Serengeti...known to bite off the tails of others, including their own family members (and you thought your sibling rivalry was bad!).

The organization also does remarkable work with breeding and reintroduction, so it is a very educational experience and we got to see a bunch of baby animals including a rhino, cheetah, pelican (in the nest), countless gazelles, a bunch of young elephants including a 7-week-old that was adorable and a litter of tiger pups you just wanted to take home and cuddle. (Vega vetoed that.)

Pic: Three adorable tiger cubs playing in the pool. Given the heat, I nearly joined them.


Pic: Is everything adorable when it's smaller?

Picture: He's 7-weeks-old and as cute as can be!

Picture: This baby is 776-pounds!

We were not able to get on the special tour we wanted to do (there is a tram tour included in the ticket, but then a ton of extra, special tours you can buy) because it was sold out, but we'll definitely go back and either make a reservation ahead of time or know to buy our tickets as soon as we are heading into the park.

Pic: One of the extra tours you can do is a zip line over the park.

One special thing they do at both parks that we (or at least I) WILL be doing before we leave CA is an event called "Roar and Snore." They have permenant tent locations (that are actually pretty nice) and you pay to sleep overnight in the park. They do an after-hours tour (which they say in the spring mating season can get pretty interesting) and then you eat and sleep in the park. It looks like an awesome experience (anyone want to join me?).

Pic: The Camp Site, the balloon tour in the background. You can fly high over the park and get the birdseye view.

Pic: Lions do not like illegal parkers! But find them tastey!

Pic: If you look at the end of the log the comes in from the left and hits the ground. There are actually 3 cheetah sisters there. I swear. Don't tell Richard you can't see them, he already wants a new camera.

So we continue to survive L.A. - and fortunately, so do many animals that need a little survival help.

Surviving L.A. - Takes Speed

And there is no speed to be had in Los Angeles, where traffic is clogged 24/7.

So you have to go to Long Beach. Where 35 years ago someone decided that they could charge admission for people to watch racers speed nearly 200 mph down a road on which the rest of us are lucky to hit the 45 mph speed limit. Not nearly fun enough, you say? "Okay, let's stick a 90-degree angle turn at the end of the straight away. Then, for good measure, we'll put a hair-pin turn after that. People will pay big to see that!"

Pic: Being this close to the track is L-O-U-D.

And they do, making the Grand Prix of Long Beach the biggest sporting event in California. (Mostly because it's 6 races over 4 event days complete with heavy metal concerts, motorcycle jumping events, alcohol sponsors and funnel cake.) So now, Surviving Long Beach takes earplugs.

Pic: This is a shot of the back of the 'Seaside Suites'.

Pic: Cars preping for the race.

But what about the safety of those willing to shell out the big bucks? Oh, a stack of tires and some fencing ought to do it, right? Check out the pictures below. No, I do not own a camera with a telephoto lens.

So that is where Richard and I sat this weekend, getting a neck workout watching the cars downshift from the left and careen around the turn to our right, where Richard kept rooting for someone to end up in the opposite wall.

Scenes from Turn 9:

Pic: This guy tried, he ended up the wrong way after turn 9.

Pic: Turn 9 was too much for some, and there was a hidden crew waiting to try to help get cars back on the track.

Pic: This guy needed more than a little help.

While the major race is held on Sunday, the 'fun' is Saturday, a day clearly designed by the beer-guzzling, perpetual frat boy nephew of the races organizers.

The Drifting Competition - in which the goal is the loudest tire screetch and the most tire smoke during your lap.....because THAT is indicative of good driving. One inhale of tire smoke and we headed for the funnel cakes.

Pic: Shot of a drifting competition car....which at this point, was trying to drive backwards. Can't be easy for a race car driver.

The Tequlia Petron American Le Mans Series Race - who doesn't mix tequlia with speed? Tequila is what they must have been drinking when they came up with this idea: squish three races into one. They have 3 different races between 3 different classes of cars simultaneously running on the same track. I wish someone had told me that before the race so it didn't become a Laurel and Hardy skit for me to ask "Who's winning?"

-Who's winning what?

-The race.

-Which race?

-The race right here. (points at current car going by)

-Oh that race? That Acura is.

-But he's behind that Porsche.

-Yes.

-So he's losing.

-No, the Porsche is winning.

-But you said the Acura was winning.

-The Acura is winning.....

And what was in our opinion the highlight of the day:

The Celebrity Race - I really would have loved to be in the room when brother T-Bone from Tappa Kegga Bru busted out this idea:

T-bone: "I got it, let's give a bunch of celebrities some cars, tell them that they are not liable for any of the damage, and turn them loose on the track to race. It'll be like the Grand Prix at Disneyland for adults."

Race Organizer: "But that will just become bumper cars, no one will take it seriously."

T-bone: "Only, then a minute after they start, we'll send some professional drivers after them. Kinda like cat and mouse, huh-huh."

Pic: The 'pro' drivers released after the celebrity drivers have taken their pace lap, waving to the crowd.

And the race organizers rejoiced, and invited celebrities to come fulfill their childhood dreams of being Indy Car racers, and invited professional car racers to experience the frustration of a lifetime - navigating their way from the back to front of a pack of unskilled, over-insured drivers in cars they did not own.

The field of Paul-Newman-Cross-Over-Wanabe's included Tim Daly (Private Practice, Wings), Keanu Reeves (Speed, Matrix), Alex Trabek (Host of Jeopardy), Raven-Symone (Jump the shark kid on Cosby and Disney Channel star), Danny Way (skateboarder), Carlos Mencia (comedian), Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe from '24'), and Eric Close (Without a Trace).

And playing the roles of the frustrated pro drivers were Jamie Little, Al Unser, Jr., Johnny Benson and Coy Gibbs.

Upholding the sterotype of the terrible female driver was Raven, who 3 times crashed her car, twice with no help from anyone at all.

Upholding the sterotype of the slow old driver - who was Alex Trebek? - who, even when all the other cars filed into a close-knit line during one of the caution laps, lagged seriously behind, blinker ticking and never shutting off.

The victory lap was shared by Al Unser, Jr. and Keanu Reeves, who owes Raven a role in his next movie since she took out Danny Way - who had led most of the race.

Pic: Richard and AJ on the track through Pit Row

Pic: Pit Row

I would like to add to this post that those of you who told us the weather was always gorgeous in SoCal must have never lived here....or got our before global warming got really bad. It was 95 degrees in L.A. this weekend, and hotter on the track where we got to stand for a brief period of time. Part of our day included a pit tour, which (given that the group was mostly men) involved a lot of standing and leering at Danica Patrick's pit area.

Pic: Danica Patrick's computer set-up in the pit

Pic: Danica herself.

Heat aside, we are surviving L.A. - Slowly. One of the hardest things to do is watch a Grand Prix race, then sit in traffic the whole....way....home.